solidarity
I think one of the most underrated concepts of the 21st century is being alone. Not even in the relationship sense, but literally just being alone.
Flying solo is one of my few talents, along with being able to write an entire essay the day it's due and eating my body weight in avacodos. Solidarity doesn't take that much skill, but I have definitely mastered the art over the years (unlike the art of spelling "definitely" without spell check).
I have found that it's really hard to figure out who you are if you never get to know yourself with no one else around. For example, I've discovered that the "real me" doesn't like to wear pants and loves to lip sync Miley Cyrus songs while using a hairbrush as a mic.
I strive to be the person I am by myself when I am with other people (except maybe with pants on). To be the most genuine I can be. This is something that I am without a doubt still working on and frequently fail at.
There is a thin line between "alone time" and isolation. I teeter on this line in 6 inch stiletto heels and very frequently fall onto the wrong side. Isolation is dangerous.
I went through a particularly rough period at the beginning of my second semester where I was so deep in this isolationist mentality that I was at a coffeeshop one night and I was evasdropping on the two guys next to me bouncing big life questions off of each other such as "what is the meaning of life?" and "why do humans objectify everything?" and you know at first I was like wow this is really interesting to hear about...and then it hit me how starved I was of genuine human interaction. I hadn't sat with someone in so long and talked about things that felt real. It was like small talk had become my first language. I wasn't making connections with anyone and this all hit me like a motherhecking train. I immediately went to the bathroom and cried for about ten minutes. That was when I knew I had hit rock bottom. Here I was, crying in a bathroom that had a dragon painted on the wall, all because I eavesdropped on a couple of hipster boys and broke my own heart. That night I vowed I would never let myself get that bad again.
No one really warns you about that before coming to college. The whole "Hey, if you don't socialize then you're going to be absolutely miserable" thing which, now that I typed it out, seems like a fairly obvious thing to recognize so I guess that's kinda my fault, huh?
I'm comfortable with writing about this because I am doing so much better now. I'm keeping myself busy while still keeping time for myself. I joined a club on campus (and actually went to the meetings!!!), went out of my way to meet new people, and started going to the gym again.
So here I am, happy to announce that this semester is almost over and I haven't cried in a single coffeeshop since then!! (I did however cry while listening to Ed Sheeran's new album for the first time but have you heard Happier or Supermarket Flowers?? Do you blame me??) I have new friends who rock and I still make time to curl up in bed by myself and binge watch The Office.
Aim for stable solidarity, not isolation. Yeah, go out and party. Plan dinners with friends and go to clubs (whether that be biology club or Rich's Teen Nights), but also treat yo self to a hot bubble bath complete with candles, Harry Styles's new single, and a glass of wine. Really, it's all about finding balance. (And I'll let you guys know when (if) I find mine)
